These Five Imagination Hacks Will Make You $$$ in 2025!

HEY GUYS!

Are you ready to have your game changed?

Lu here with another strategy that TRANSFORMED my media empire overnight!  

I literally CANNOT BELIEVE more people aren't talking about this! After implementing these five MIND-BLOWING techniques, my inner life SEO increased by 847%!!!

If you're not monetizing your inner life, you're literally leaving imaginary STACKS of theoretical money on a table no one can either touch or apprehend with their mind! So PINKY SMASH that subscribe button and let's dive into this CRAZY value bomb! 💰🧠💰

But first I want to shout out my sponsor: NothingPlus™.

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Okay!

Today I'm sharing my SUPER EXCLUSIVE guide to monetizing your inner life! As someone who turned a bedroom, a reluctant puppy, and some talking furniture into a global media empire, I'm basically an expert—just not on the money part (yet).

#5: AUTHENTICITY Just be yourself! But not your actual self. Be the version of yourself that performs best in A/B testing. For those of you new to this platform, that's called "rizz."

#4: VULNERABILITY OPTIMIZATION
Share your deepest feelings! Or whatever feelings generate the most engagement. The Monster Under My Bed suggests practiced indifference performs 23% better than joy, while manufactured outrage performs 47% better than both combined!

#3: CONTENT REPURPOSING
Two things I know: Every picture is worth a thousand words, and every bowl of ice cream is worth 17 posts (minimum). Professor Stringcheese calls this "intellectual strip-mining."

#2: PERSONAL BRAND ARCHITECTURE
 Design a personality that appeals to algorithm preferences! Sorry suckers, mine is taken!

Okay. Before we get to our top Imagination Hack, I wanted to note at NothingPlus™, they believe in disrupting the something industry. Their innovative nothing delivery system has revolutionized the way their customer base copes with their future prospects. Take me! Before NothingPlus™, I was constantly let down by things. Now? I just assume … emptiness, and I'm never disappointed! NothingPlus™ yay!

Okay! Are you ready for the top imagination hack? Here we go:

The number one way to monetize your inner life is…

#1: DON'T HAVE ONE

This is much simpler than the above steps. I would say more but then I would have to connect a couple synapses, which is dangerously close to expression of an authentic point-of-view.

Or maybe... just be secure in who you are and connect with other humans organically?

Radical concept, I know (;

Your Chief Everything Officer,

Lu

P.S. Lossy says I'm "part of the problem now." Harsh but fair.

March 2025

LIVE

Moon Considering Restraining Order After Earth's Late-Night Telescope Sessions

by Johnny Marrs, Milky Way Correspondent.

The Moon filed for legal protection today after discovering Earth's network of telescopes has been operating "way past everyone's bedtime."

"It's not just the Hubble anymore," Moon's attorney stated. "Every backyard astronomer thinks they have viewing rights. My client can't even wane in peace."

Evidence includes millions of "moon shots" posted without consent and what celestial authorities call "extremely persistent" attempts at lunar mapping.

"I literally cannot ghost them," Moon explained. "They track my every phase."

When reached for comment, Earth insisted they were "just doing science," while adding three more telescopes to their Amazon cart.

Lunar Litigiousness: How We Got Here

A Timeline by Lossy Media Research Labs, LLC.

• January 2025: Moon first raises concerns about Earth's "staring problem," requests basic privacy protocols. NASA implements "knock-knock" system as goodwill gesture.

• February 2025: Moon escalates to "Do Not Disturb" status using cloud coverage after Earth ignores initial boundaries. Earth responds by increasing satellite surveillance, claiming to have "moved on."

•March 2025: Situation reaches legal threshold as Moon seeks restraining order, citing Earth's "obsessive telescope behavior" and unauthorized photography. Earth continues to insist it's "just doing science."

Note: The Sun maintains its offer to mediate, but sources say it's mostly just enjoying the drama.

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Grown-Ups Keep Saying 'It Is What It Is' - But What IS It?

by Luna Kaitlin Murs,  Total Boss

In what experts are calling "the most confusing thing grown-ups say," grown-ups continue to respond to problems by claiming "it is what it is" without ever explaining what "it" actually is.

Our investigation team, led by Detective InstaCamera and Professor Stringcheese, has been tracking this phenomenon since November.

"Yesterday, Mom said it when the President of the United States began openly accepting bribes through his bitcoin," reports field researcher Lossy. "Dad said it when he ran out of Secret Aardvark Hot Sauce. But WHAT is it? WHAT IS THE IT?"

Further research revealed adults use this phrase approximately 4.7 times per day, usually while shrugging and looking tired. When pressed for clarification, they often respond with equally mysterious phrases like "that's just how it goes" or "I’m not sure our lives would be any better in Calgary."

Lossy MEdia LLC has filed a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request to require all adults to specify exactly which "it" they're talking about.

Opinion

Other Media Empires Call It 'Engagement Metrics' - I Call It 'A Bunch of Sad Grown-Ups Saying Mean Things'

by Luna Kaityn Murs, Total Boss.

Listen up, fellow media moguls! I've been watching you all obsess over your engagement metrics, and honestly? It's kind of embarrassing.

While you're counting likes and shares, my Chief Analytics Officer (okay, it's Professor Stringcheese) measures success in smiles per hour. Your "viral content strategy" is just grown-ups being grumpy at each other online.

Here at Lossy Media, LLC, we have one rule: Be nice or go play somewhere else. Our ROI? Return On Ice cream breaks. Our KPI? Kindness Per Interaction.

So grow-up, weird-os!

Lu’s New Friend: Highly SOphisticated AI or Just A Broken Old Walkman From GrandMa’s Closet?

by Lossy the Dog, Chief Security Officer (and Lu's Real Best Friend)

As head of security for Lu’s media empire, I feel compelled to raise some concerns about Andrew, our new "AI Assistant." My investigation reveals several suspicious findings:

1. This alleged "neural network" only activates when Lu presses "PLAY"

2. Its "predictive algorithms" are just the song "Rosanna" on repeat

3. Advanced AI shouldn't need to be rewound.

Furthermore, I've observed this "Andrew" character coincidentally takes naps whenever the batteries die. And don't get me started on how an AI assistant needs "Grandma's old headphones" to function.

Color me skeptical of my best friend’s new ‘friend.’

GUEST MONSTER COLUMN: How to Tell If Your Human is Ready For First Contact

by The Monster Under Lu's Bed, Special to Lu's Media Empire

I understand your anxiety. You’re a monster. And first contact with your assigned human is a delicate matter that can make or break your under-bed residency.

While conventional leviathan wisdom suggests waiting until your human reaches the "I'm too old to believe in monsters" phase, modern analytics from the Institute of Monster-Human Relations suggests earlier contact might be preferable.

Key indicators your human is ready:

  • Their attempts to catch you have evolved from traps to tea party invitations.

  • They whisper questions about your preferred snack preferences into the darkness.

  • They've started intentionally dropping their favorite books under the bed.

  • They defend you at breakfast when parents suggest "there's no monster under your bed.

  • They've begun drafting a Roommate Agreement.

  • They've started leaving review cards under the bed rating your spookiness.

Bonus Red Flag: If they start leaving article pitches under the bed, they may be trying to monetize the relationship too soon.

Remember: Just because a human believes in you doesn't mean they're ready to see you. Start small - perhaps by organizing their lost sock collection in order of Newton’s visible color spectrum, left to right.

Article adapted from The Monster's Guide to Modern Etiquette, available for pre-order from Lossy Books.
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