January 2025
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Grown-Ups Haven’t Earned Their Screen Time Today, Study Finds
by Luna Kaitlin Murs, Total BossA comprehensive study by the International Junior Scientists Team (IJST) found grown-ups are spending too much time today looking at screens while ignoring perfectly good puddles outside.
"They haven't even finished their vegetables," noted lead researcher Emma, age 7.
The report recommends reducing adult screen time until they complete basic tasks like cloud-watching and spontaneous tickle attacks.
Grown-ups worldwide were unavailable for comment, as they were fighting on Facebook and updating their fantasy teams.
BY THE NUMBERS
Grown-Ups’ Screen Time
0
Fun
0
“Please”
0
“Thank you”
0
Sea-Witches
100 Billion-Zillion
Words only Mom’s allowed to say.
Most Shared
F.B.I.: Monster Under Bed Actually Just Shy IMAGINARY FRIEND
by Zena Zzzzzzzzzz, Sleepy-Time CorrespondentAn investigation from the F.B.I’s Division of Nooks & Crannies confirms what some have long suspected: the monster under the bed is just an imaginary friend with underdeveloped social skills.
"She borrows one sock because she's trying to start a conversation," explained Lead Researcher Officer Stuffles. “The sock is her way of saying she likes your style.”
The imaginary friend, speaking through her social media handle @DieLiberalScum, admitted to practicing knock-knock jokes and compliments for months, but getting too nervous to say them.
In an effort to break the ice, local children have started leaving under their beds the other matching sock.
Climate Change Ends Because ‘Duh!,’ say World Leaders.
by Astrid Astroid, End-of-the-World CorrespondentIn what experts are calling "super obvious," climate change ended yesterday when everyone finally agreed to be nice to nature.
"We just had to say sorry," explained Prime Minister Knooby.
The solution came after an oil baron’s daughter suggested "maybe just stop being mean to the Earth?"
World leaders and captains of industry are reportedly embarrassed they didn't think of it sooner.
Trees reportedly accepted the apology but the ocean declined comment through its legal representation.
EXCLUSIVE: Internal Memos Show Moon Requests Personal Space
by Paul Mars, Milky Way CorrespondentClassified documents leaked from NASA reveal the Moon has been sending subtle hints about Earth's "staring problem."
Sources close to the Moon report it's feeling "a bit crowded" by Earth's intense observation during lunar eclipses.
"Like everyone, sometimes I just like to sit in the sun," the Moon stated through its spokesperson. “No big deal.”
After lengthy negotiations, Earth and Moon reached a compromise: Earth can look, but must first say "knock-knock" and wait for the Moon to say "who's there?"
Scientists from NASA report this new protocol has ironically made the moon “even cooler to watch.”
Election Dispute Resolved With a Game of Candyland
by Mr. Bear, Congressional Correspondent. In a historic breakthrough for democracy, an internet troll and an unsuspecting social media commenter agreed to settle their differences over a decisive game of Candyland.
"It just makes more sense than all the yelling," explained the unsuspecting commenter, Sarah Plottz, 63, Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Both parties accepted the terms: no shortcuts through Gumdrop Pass, and everyone must use their inside voices.
The dramatic final moments saw the troll stuck in Molasses Swamp while Ms. Plottz reached King Kandy's Castle.
"This is how grown-ups should always solve problems," noted independent observer Lord Voldemort.
The Information Syndicate is reportedly in talks to develop an entire cable news channel around the Candyland premise.
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